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Thought construction

We generally distinguish between inner and outer, but…the distinction is no more than a form of thought construction…. Change the position, and what is inner is outer, and what is outer is inner.  -D.T. Suzuki

Last week was a struggle with finding the word that would resonate with my emotional state: disquiet, restive, ingress, integrity and finally intention. All of those are right, all of those are wrong. Finding the one, right word will not change my state of mind, my state of procrastination.

Do I just reconstruct my thoughts (aka, reframing)? Maybe the rest of the world is moving too fast and I’m just moving fine in my slow-mo, no-go way? That’s not it, not quite. It’s that I put myself out there and it doesn’t really matter — but if there is no “out there” then where am I putting myself? It’s like I somehow have to put myself on display — and that persona is getting tiresome. Hmmm… coming back to integrity. I write to understand the world, and if by chance, it impacts others and helps them in some way — well that’s just grand. But that’s not my main purpose: I write to understand the world and explain it to myself. I am always seeking the new. After so long, this answer.

Damn. I’m in the wrong line of business, no?

 

Posted in integrity.


A disquieting afternoon

I cannot focus. I know exactly what needs to be done but I cannot focus on it — because it doesn’t really pull at me the way it once did. Yes I can practice reframing, reshaping, repositioning my thoughts but nothing can change the fact that I no longer care. I’ve spent my whole life caring about school, work and now I don’t. Such a strange, disquieting feeling. There has to be another word to replace the disquiet.

It’s not a nervousness, it’s that moment you know you should jump but you pause letting the unease of possibilities fill you. And still you hesitate because you need another word to fill the disquiet and you haven’t quite found it yet.

I find myself being restive — balking at going forward, wanting to just remain in place yet knowing there is no way this can be. The nature of the working life is to move forward, to have a sense of progress. I want ingress, not progress (the opposite of which is regress — so not quite the opposite). I want to, as my yoga teacher says, “workin not workout.”

Ingress is perhaps the right word — the noun not the verb, a secondary meaning — “the action upon entering or beginning a thing” (OED). Yes, this is where I am, on the cusp of action, of entering, of beginning a thing and I know not what it is.

The poem by Adrienne Rich comes to mind again, I write it parts of it below:

Integrity

Dancing Queen

She who dances

A wild patience has taken me thus far

as if I had to bring to shore a boat with a spasmodic outboard motor
old sweaters, nets, spray-mottled books
tossed in the prow

…..

The length of daylight 
this far north, in this
forty-ninth year of my life
is critical.

The light is critical: of me, of this
long-dreamed, involuntary landing
on the arm of an inland sea.

….

What I want is intention. 

Posted in integrity, yoga.

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Remembering myself

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on this blog, so why bother restarting now? Because something has changed, shifted, moved and I’m not exactly sure what, and this blog is a way of surfacing those barely formed …bodythoughtfeelings.

Everyday there is the practice of yoga, even if it’s for a few minutes of quiet breathing in the morning. My body no longer craves the high-octane, high-intensity workouts that I once thrived on, just as I no longer crave the high-octane work I did for so long. What I do now I do out of my own curiosity and not to fulfill some idea of me. Is this the letting go of ego? I dunno. I just know I can’t go back because I no longer care to give my energy to ideas that do not matter.

So here I am.

In some respects this is a well-trodden path and yet it is unique because it is within me — an uncharted territory. I am more sure and yet I have no idea where I am going.  As the poem from Adrienne Rich begins: “A wild patience has taken me this far.”

I have so much more to give and the moment to give is now.

Posted in yoga.